I have known for many years now what my future wife will look like. When life became bad for years and I ran out of options, I had no hope for my own future what so ever, so I searched for answers in strange and unnatural ways that have only seemed to get me right into more pain instead of taking me away from it. Whatever pointless information I was handed out involved around movie scenes from movies that were years from being made, and now having been released, I don't see any purpose or signs what so ever in these scenes or any of the video games I was shown years before their release either, so possibly they mean absolutely nothing to me, or I'm simply too stupid or nearsighted to see the message. What was the purpose of seeing one of my ex-girlfriend's house before I met her when I now hate the very thought of her? Did all that happen just so I would make the Dracula costume I have that she sparked off the creation of? Even that costume was already known to me through the same way before I even saw the movie it was from. The most pointless feature was getting to know the first letter of my next girlfriend's name and a number associated with her. Though my first ex-girlfriend was special to me, these answers came after the time when we had to break up due to a distance between us that neither of us could travel at that time. Next I got to know of the letter I and the number 9, resulting in me scaring off a girl I once liked who had such a name by telling her about it, then it turned out it was my other ex-girlfriend Iris instead who I got together with on the 9th. That was a horrible relationship because of the kind of person she was, and I really can't stand her anymore. Next I learned about the letter A and the number 5 who of course was my other ex-girlfriend Andrea Katerin who I actually had a good time with and improved much upon my pre-state of having been sick for years thanks to her, but unfortunately she was very sick at that time because of medications and all such things, so we had many problems with our relationship because of that and the long distance between us. I really did hate the very thought of her for a long time, but recent events made me realize that I actually missed her and wanted to talk to her again for answers now that I have had problems with my first ex-girlfriend who I was actually hoping for was my soulmate who I have been searching for for such a long time now. This apartment was one of the things I was shown a whole many years ago, down to the very details of shape and color of every part of it, so it is no doubt that first place of mine that I was shown so long ago is this very place. My future girlfriend and wife was also in this apartment while having both straight and curly hair, exactly like my first ex-girlfriend had when we had such a good time together here. Her face and body-type looks exactly the same also, and the fact that I loved her made me realize that it just might have been my first ex-girlfriend all along when I've always thought of her as the most beautiful and special girl I have ever met and have also always felt as if she belonged to me, even getting jealous at her being with other guys when I was even with other girls. Now that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I was showed the letter R and the number 12 this time, having looked for a girl with such a name for a long time, then I remembered that I've actually also seen both the letters A and K with that number, fearing that this meant I would get back together with my ex-girlfriend Andrea Katerin who I then hated. My first ex-girlfriend's name also has these initials with her birthday actually being on the 12th too. Her nickname starts with R for whatever that is worth, but still I was once shown the letter M and the number 20 that turned out to be just some random friend of mine who I did somewhat like once, but that still didn't mean anything. After that I learned about S and 26 that turned out to be just a pointlessly short relationship with no emotions for one and other. Sure my first ex-girlfriend loved me too and wanted to try out for a future with me, but then the information about my future girlfriend's hair came out after hearing that she was actually planning on getting highlights in her hair herself, which made me think even more that she really was who I was supposed to be with, but the information just made her not want highlights anymore, something that surprised me since I already told her that would mean we would have a great life together if it turned out she really was that girl I had foreseen. Eventually this whole thing turned into a full arguement with her thinking I wanted to change her because she was not good enough for me, but that was not even true, I wanted her to be that girl I had foreseen because she really was good enough for me and ever better than what I had hoped for. If my future girlfriend looks like that and that fact is imprinted in the future, then that can only mean it is not her if she doesn't even get any highlights, and that is why I so desperately wanted her to change her mind so we could have a good future together, but she just didn't get my whole point. Later she decided to just stop trying instead of doing that one thing for me, and that just hurt like hell. She kept on saying she wasn't good enough for me and that I should have loved her the way she was, but the way I saw it, it meant I was not good enough for her to do something like that for, knowing that would mean we'd belong together. There was absolutely no reasoning with her and she just hurt me, so I told her today that I didn't want to speak with her anymore. Still I found the profile of a girl yesterday who's hair actually looked just the same as in my drawing, only the red highlights were mirrored with three on her right side and two on her left, whatever that means. Still I have no idea what will happen right now. For all I know I might have just pushed away the most special girl I know only to end up with the girl I foresaw who might not even be such a good person in comparison to my first ex-girlfriend. As pointless as it always was to know only the first letter of my next girlfriend's name, she was the closest I've come to finding someone related to A, K, R, and the number 12, and as if that wasn't enough, I saw her exact full name spelled out one letter at a time the same way I could only see one letter before. That has never happened before, and that should in theory mean she would definately become my next girlfriend and would be even more important than that because of the way the name was shown. Does that mean she really is my future wife, or was her name the first to be shown that way just because it would all end between us? I just don't know anymore. No matter how mad we are at each other, I still hope that one day she sees that this whole arguement only meant I loved her so much I wanted her to be my foreseen wife and that she will return looking like that as a symbol that she really does love me back and we would have that good life together after all. She really is the most beautiful and special girl I've known, and I'd do anything to make her happy. I still love her so much, but I doubt anything like that will ever happen now, and that just hurts me even more.
Log - 24 October 2011 - Into the unknown.
